Barton Fink

Ah, Bobby Heenan. One of 606's most frequently banned WUMs (yes, a WUM who actually gets banned, that's how bad he is) has returned under a new guise. The man renowned for his hatred of Pelé, Nelson Mandela, Thierry Henry, Thabo Mbeki, Emmanuel Eboué and Theo Walcott (notice a common theme there? If you said "they're all black", give yourself a gold star) just will not accept the fact that nobody likes him and he should just go home.

Lady luck smiles on me tonight, I caught this pathetic defense of Joey Barton about 45 seconds before the mods swooped and hid the article. Gotta love the rambling, stream of consciousness style and constant self-repetition.

"I saw absolutely nothing wrong with Bartons challenge on Nasri but Nasris trip on Barton was well worthy of atleast a yellow card."

- BobbyinWilmslow

You're right. It was worthy of more than a mere yellow card. It was worthy of a knighthood for "services to football".

"Joey Barton is a young man who has been to prison and unfortunately he has made mistakes."

- BobbyinWilmslow

"It was a mistake guv', honest. I just sort of slipped and hit the lad in the eye with my cigar. The only reason I ground it in there until it was no longer lit was because I thought I saw a fly in there and just wanted to get it out."

"Arsenal fans getting on the back of Joey Barton should take a look at one of their very own. [...] What about Emmanuel Eboue? Emmanuel Eboue severely injured John Terry with a very thuggish violent challenge last season"

- BobbyinWilmslow

Firstly, Terry had just tried to drop-kick Fabregas as he lay on the ground. Secondly, John Terry broke his foot when he kicked Eboué's boot instead of the ball, proving once and for all that he's a spaz who can't tackle properly (or even foul properly for that matter).

But wait, maybe it wasn't a shocking foul on Cesc...

"Actually the challenge on Fabregas was a very good chalenge and John Terry clearly won the ball. It was a very strong and ferocious challenge but the ball was there to be won. I was astounded when John Terry recieved a yellow card as I thought that Fabregas should have recieved a yellow card atleast for raising his hands to the England captain John Terry in the aftermath."

- BobbyinWilmslow

This is true, if by "won the ball" you mean "kicked him", and by "there to be won" you mean "nowhere near him". Also I like the idea that referees should give extra protection to the England captain, as he is above and beyond petty things like consistency in the enforcement of rules.

"What legacy did Thierry "goes totally missing in the big games, never tracks back and very arrogant aloof" Henry leave behind?"

- BobbyinWilmslow

And once again we're back to the same old targets. Let me put it this way. Henry's legacy is not one of assaulting teenagers, putting cigars in trainees' eyes, getting in drunken brawls, getting permanently banned from McDonalds, beating up team-mates, trying to injure people on the football pitch and being defended by Bobby Heenan. Therefore, I say it's a fairly decent one.

Usmanov's Second Chin Speaks

God, matchday is always a busy day. I mentioned earlier about the Arsenal board going ape over the defeat to Fulham, and, unsurprisingly, one individual has come in, cutting a swathe through all and sundry to redefine obsessive-compulsive idiocy on a pinnacle few men can ever hope to reach. Here is just a taster of the madness that is Ar5enalwin -make Arsenal a club players want to come to and stay at, even over 30's... (Yes, that's actually his username. Should give you an idea of what's to come.)

This first batch are taken from a thread of mine condemning the hysterical reaction to the defeat.

"But [before Wenger, Arsenal was a team] with Tony Adams and out greatest ever defense a team with BRITISH BULLDOG spirit."

- Ar5enalwin -make Arsenal a club players want to come to and stay at, even over 30's...

You know, I think it's a bit insulting to one of Arsenal's greatest ever players to suggest his technical ability as a defender was secondary to him being BRITISH AND SPIRITED. On Wenger, Adams himself praised Wenger's role in helping him overcome his battle with alcohol addiction. But no, for Ar5enalwin that was all before Wenger. Once he took over, the first thing he did was sell Adams, Bould, Keown, Winterburn and Dixon to Havant and Waterlooville for £2.47 and a cheese baguette.

"I for one would be glad for some sort of calamity this season if only to rid us off Hillwood Fiszman and the other dinosaurs."

- Ar5enalwin -there's actually meant to be a space after the hyphen but I didn't put one there because my IQ is in the 30's...

Some fan he is. He wants his own team to lose so he can get a greasy Russian with dirty money to come over, put us further in debt - and I gather debt is a particular favourite reason of his why we should get rid of the board, see his 46 (again, not a joke, he actually wrote that many, OCD anyone?) "Sack the Board" articles - and destroy our long term financial future?

"The leadership have no intension at all with winning silverware.

All they care about is making enough prize money to pay off the banks."

- Ar5enalwin -let's put Arsenal in so much debt to Usmanov's creditors they'll be paying it off until the 2530's...

Wait, what? They don't care about winning stuff, they just want to win stuff...? Is Ar5enalwin actually handicapped? Answers on the back of a postcard.

On a thread calling for the board to be eaten by Usmanov's rolls of neck fat.

"Fans like him [calling for Usmanov to buy the club] are to be welcomed because like wenger they care that we have lost."

- Ar5enalwin -the number of small boys I have attempted to molest is probably in the 30's...

Remember kids, if you don't call for a board takeover every time your team loses, you're not a real fan!

"The trouble is just as me and my colleague sat on our seast last saturday UNABLE to recongise a single WBA player on the pre match team sheet except scott carson (who we should have bought by the way), we expected to storm the game but ended up just scraping a win."

- Ar5enalwin -I have the intellect and debating ability of an eleven year old, despite the fact that I'm well past my 30's...

That's not an indication that West Brom were poor quality opposition. That's an indication that you're an ignorant, arrogant cock. You're the reason so many people hate top-four fans, because you look down your nose at them despite the fact that you know bugger all about them or their team.

And finally, this comment from an article bemoaning the absence of Alex Hleb - which is a stupid article anyway, when we've had 70% of the possession and no goals, the last thing we need is Dribbly McNoshoot to come back.

"That is because the average weight of an arsenal teenager is 9 stone and height 5ft6.

How do you expect such players to shove aside some fearsome defences?"

- Ar5enalwin -possessed of the same level of rationality and reason as the German government of the late 1930's...

I'm sorry, but that's retarded. They're teenagers. They grow and stuff. Also, how many teenagers have Arsenal fielded in the league this season so far? One. Walcott. So quoting his height and weight doesn't constitute the "average weight of an arsenal teenager", you pathetic kettle of lying protoplasm.

UPDATE: Got him bang to rights on his claim to be a season ticket holder. He's just another lying plastic. I've posted the below on 606 here - keep an eye on it, this could get tasty.

From this.

"Like you I have a seaason ticket and go to games."

- Ar5enalwin -only able to count up to the 30's..., ~9pm

But then this followed...

"The reason I did NOT go today was the £48 + booking fee RIP OFF they charge for a ticket...."

- Ar5enalwin -a lying waste of oxygen and bandwith. Also something about 30's..., 10.19pm

Oh snap!

Mystic Meg

13 league titles to 2 has sent me in an interesting attempt at predictive analysis from a Spurs fan. Basically, they are better than all the other not-top-four teams. I know Spurs seem to be getting a lot of stick on this, but the problem is that their section of WUMs and deluded fans (and every club has them) tend to be quite vocal, which firstly puts all their claims under more scrutiny, and secondly makes a lot of other fans dislike them in general. So I should say this is no way a reflection on the sensible majority of Spurs fans.

This guy, however...

"Is it quite satisfying to have a look at our potential rivals for 5th place at the moment?

They dont seem to be on level with us with their summer recruits."

- paxtonsteward

Because summer signings are all that matters. It's why Liverpool and Arsenal both won the league last year, didn't you know?

They're too long to post here, but check his predictions, especially on Newcastle, Porstmouth, City and Blackburn. Then look at their results so far and mock.

Oh, and as for Spurs being the best mid-table team? Did you know Sunderland had never won at White Hart Lane until the "Ramos Revolution" began? It's no good bragging about your amazing midfield if you can't sodding defend.

And it's no good making predictions if you haven't a sodding clue what you're talking about.

Epic Failure

One day, there was a WUM who decided to write a lengthy article about how Kevin Keegan was better than Alex Ferguson, for the purpose of annoying Manchester United fans. Thing is, this WUM is a bit thick, so he posted it on the Newcastle board instead. Needless to say, from the responses, the Geordies are less than impressed with his idiocy. Thanks to RedDevilVivaLaTreble for alerting me to this man, who actually manages to fail at WUMming.

"Do Man United 'fans' actually believe that Alex miraculously sculpted the talents of players like Giggs, Scholes, Beckham and more recently Ronaldo or do they happily admit they got lucky? If the youth system is so amazing why are you currently fielding Frazier Campbell and Chris Eagles?"

- DavidMoyesWife

This is why he fails. If he could offer any counter points from Newcastle's system, then he would have something that, while wrong, would be harder to argue against and could allow him to stonewall if anyone took the bait. As it is, no-one will take bait that poorly laid. He's not offensive to the senses like so many others on 606, he just comes across as a gibbering halfwit. You know, the kind of guy on the back of the bus with a brown paper bag in one hand, the other hand down his pants, rambling on about the lizardmen who really control the world while swigging his Tesco Value vodka and masturbating furiously, without the mental capacity to realise that he's embarrassing himself.

Oh, and Chris Eagles plays for Burnley.

"Look at Arsene Wenger- amazing football far better than Man Untd, without having to spend ridiculous sums on players and then pretend it didn't happen like with Veron"

- DavidMoyesWife

Two words: "Franny Jeffers".

A Genuine "This Will be Our Year!"

Wow. Just... wow. Sometimes something comes along that is so incredibly wrong in every possible way that it's actually an achievement. I can't thank Matija enough, who not only found this epic screed, nominally about the Berbatov saga, by perennial WUM - for the benefit of the uninitiated, that is an acronym for wind-up merchant, which is basically 606-speak for "troll" - spurs_hart_lane, but presumably read the entire thing, which takes real perseverance. Because it is entirely tl;dr, below are just some choice quotes - and it's still a lot. This guy is gold.

"I don't know who United think they are, Spurs are getting bigger and will soon have a stadium to match Uniteds, as well as the global fan base."

- spurs_hart_lane

Who do they think they are? Only the most widely supported English club in the world. As for the stadium, it'll be 55,000 seats. Old Trafford has over 76,000. Evidently maths isn't among spurs_hart_lane's GCSE courses.

"United are just as bad as Real Madrid when trying to unsettle players."

- spurs_hart_lane

United may be many things, but nobody is as bad as Real. Alex Ferguson could eat babies and he'd still be better than Calderon and co.

"I just hope we will win the league to show you how much we are improving and how far we have come under Ramos."

- spurs_hart_lane

Keep wishing on that star, buddy.

"Looking at our unbelievable pre season form where we thrashed one of the best teams in Europe in Roma while playing some of the best attacking football that I have seen for some time."

- spurs_hart_lane

Did you thrash Roma? Did you thrash them 7-1? Oh no, wait. That was United. Nevermind. And if that was the best attacking football you've seen for some time, you haven't been watching Arsenal.

"Both Spurs and United will be challenging for the league title [...] we are your main rivals."

- spurs_hart_lane

What.

"[...] we have a better defence than you [United]."

- spurs_hart_lane

I can't even say anything. I can only laugh.

"Bent [...] is a scoring machine and worth every penny of his prices tag. He will score more goals that [sic] Rooney."

- spurs_hart_lane

Now, I don't like Rooney. I think he's violent, gobby and overrated. But that just takes the biscuit. Bent just ripped 'Boro to bits, didn't he?

"I believe last season we played better attacking football than you [United] but it was our defence that let us down."

- spurs_hart_lane

Yes, what a strikeforce you had! Shame one half's gone to Liverpool and the other's going to United. And your defense let you down? That's very true. That must also be why you haven't signed any defenders, then. Ramos = genius!

And wait, didn't you say your defense this season is better than United's? And now you're saying it cost you last season? Even though it's the exactly the same players? Oops.

"I can't wait till we start playing in the champions league, where we belong [...] We deserve to be playing in the champions league but I will be happy winning the UEFA cup this year."

- spurs_hart_lane

How can you "belong" in the Champions League, having never played there before? Neither philosophy nor English seem to have been on the ol' GCSE either. And good luck winning that UEFA cup. You know what they say about good luck coming in threes.

"We have a better team than Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool and just as good as United."

- spurs_hart_lane

Now, I don't want to hate Spurs fans, honestly. But this kind of drivel really makes me want to. You've even made me defend United. Honestly. Oh, and by the way, spurs_hart_lane, given that your article is 722 words long, yet has a reading age of around 12 (the internet is a wonderful resource), would it be safe to say that you are in no way familiar with the phrase "brevity is the soul of wit"?