It's all About Me, Me, Me

Thanks to 13 league titles to 2 for sending me in this one. At first it seems like a sensible Spurs fan accepting that a top four finish is not realistic this season. However, it's downhill all the way from there...

"As I lose hope in Spurs breaching the top 4 once again, I have begun thinking that there should be Champions League qualification places for the top 6 clubs in our league."

- Mortdog

Of course! Because UEFA's primary concern should be working on finding ways to get Spurs into the Champions League. Also, I'd bet any amount of money that if pigs flew and this happened, Spurs would finish 7th.

"Seeing Anorthosis Famagusta in this years group stage after we demolished them 6-1 at WHL last year has annoyed me that THFC can't perform on this stage."

- Mortdog

Dirty Cypriots! It's not like they qualified for it or anything. Olympiacos just rolled over and let them win, just to spite Spurs. Can't trust those Greeks. Eyes to close together and all. And Cyprus is basically Greece. Coincidence? I think not! You couldn't make it up!

"Together with English teams making up 3/4 of the CL semi-finalists last year, and our 5-0 mauling of Roma in pre-season, it is clear that a wider range of English teams can compete with Europe's best."

- Mortdog

So, let me get this straight. Other teams being good and the result of one pre-season friendly means Spurs are automatically good too? What?

Barton Fink

Ah, Bobby Heenan. One of 606's most frequently banned WUMs (yes, a WUM who actually gets banned, that's how bad he is) has returned under a new guise. The man renowned for his hatred of Pelé, Nelson Mandela, Thierry Henry, Thabo Mbeki, Emmanuel Eboué and Theo Walcott (notice a common theme there? If you said "they're all black", give yourself a gold star) just will not accept the fact that nobody likes him and he should just go home.

Lady luck smiles on me tonight, I caught this pathetic defense of Joey Barton about 45 seconds before the mods swooped and hid the article. Gotta love the rambling, stream of consciousness style and constant self-repetition.

"I saw absolutely nothing wrong with Bartons challenge on Nasri but Nasris trip on Barton was well worthy of atleast a yellow card."

- BobbyinWilmslow

You're right. It was worthy of more than a mere yellow card. It was worthy of a knighthood for "services to football".

"Joey Barton is a young man who has been to prison and unfortunately he has made mistakes."

- BobbyinWilmslow

"It was a mistake guv', honest. I just sort of slipped and hit the lad in the eye with my cigar. The only reason I ground it in there until it was no longer lit was because I thought I saw a fly in there and just wanted to get it out."

"Arsenal fans getting on the back of Joey Barton should take a look at one of their very own. [...] What about Emmanuel Eboue? Emmanuel Eboue severely injured John Terry with a very thuggish violent challenge last season"

- BobbyinWilmslow

Firstly, Terry had just tried to drop-kick Fabregas as he lay on the ground. Secondly, John Terry broke his foot when he kicked Eboué's boot instead of the ball, proving once and for all that he's a spaz who can't tackle properly (or even foul properly for that matter).

But wait, maybe it wasn't a shocking foul on Cesc...

"Actually the challenge on Fabregas was a very good chalenge and John Terry clearly won the ball. It was a very strong and ferocious challenge but the ball was there to be won. I was astounded when John Terry recieved a yellow card as I thought that Fabregas should have recieved a yellow card atleast for raising his hands to the England captain John Terry in the aftermath."

- BobbyinWilmslow

This is true, if by "won the ball" you mean "kicked him", and by "there to be won" you mean "nowhere near him". Also I like the idea that referees should give extra protection to the England captain, as he is above and beyond petty things like consistency in the enforcement of rules.

"What legacy did Thierry "goes totally missing in the big games, never tracks back and very arrogant aloof" Henry leave behind?"

- BobbyinWilmslow

And once again we're back to the same old targets. Let me put it this way. Henry's legacy is not one of assaulting teenagers, putting cigars in trainees' eyes, getting in drunken brawls, getting permanently banned from McDonalds, beating up team-mates, trying to injure people on the football pitch and being defended by Bobby Heenan. Therefore, I say it's a fairly decent one.

The Universal Constant

It's nice to know that jingoism is not yet dead. English players are always more spirited, passionate and determined than all those Johnny Foreigners, at least according to this charmlessly idiotic and assertion-ridden thread.

"English + Experince = SUCCESS"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

It's true, there aren't enough experinced players at Arsenal. Or in the league at all. I don't think anyone counts as "experinced". When that's the title of the article, it's not a good start. If you're going to be so proud of being English, I reckon the language is as good a place as any to start.

"The one thing ive notice about this Arsenal team is the lack of passion they have. Sure when the team is winning there gunna give it their all, but when times get tough and you need that extra goal to win a game"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

Because England have never rolled over and played listlessly to defeat. NEVAR.

"Look what difference Tevez made for Man Utd last season when he got those late equalisers"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

That... that is just the footbullet to end all footbullets... Evidently MFG can't even hold his nationalistic train of thought together for more than a sentence. Carlos Tevez, that most famous son of Droylesden!

In all fairness though, he was probably distracted by a photo of Maggie Thatcher, and the subsequent fit of spirited, British passion he had all over his Union Jack boxers.

If This is England, I Want Out

Thanks to Adam for tipping me off about this guy, there's something in vidic's pocket...oh, it's Didier Drogba, a Boltonian schoolboy Man U fan who has a borderline sexual obsession with an own goal Richard Dunne scored over four years ago, and the word "massive". You'd also think if he loved Vidic so much he's bother to capitalise the "v"...

This one is from a thread about, er, well... nothing, really. Though it becomes a thread about how much he hates the English football team. This is quite a rare posting from him, as it's not on the Manchester City board. It's on Chelsea's.

"I am proud of Manchester as it is not English in the way London is. It is a city that was built by 'immigrants' and has a strong Irish influence. I love Manchester United. I have no intrest at all in the england national team, the southern chavs that 'support' them i feel embarsment and hatred for."

- there's something in vidic's pocket...oh, it's Didier Drogba

Yes mate, 'cos there's no immigrants or Irish in London. FACT.

"I live in a four bed detatch thanks, which is valued at 400,000, on a private estate, i also attended a private school, so my future was always going to be bright wasn't it?"

- there's something in vidic's pocket...oh, it's Didier Drogba

You know, given today's housing market, £400,000 will buy you a small cardboard box in Brixton. Well loaded, intcha?

"Listen to this man [there's something in vidic's pocket...oh, it's Didier Drogba], England fans no nothing about football it's fact."

- hateglazer

The more stupid a thread on 606 gets, the probability of hateglazer posting in it approaches one.

Usmanov's Second Chin Speaks

God, matchday is always a busy day. I mentioned earlier about the Arsenal board going ape over the defeat to Fulham, and, unsurprisingly, one individual has come in, cutting a swathe through all and sundry to redefine obsessive-compulsive idiocy on a pinnacle few men can ever hope to reach. Here is just a taster of the madness that is Ar5enalwin -make Arsenal a club players want to come to and stay at, even over 30's... (Yes, that's actually his username. Should give you an idea of what's to come.)

This first batch are taken from a thread of mine condemning the hysterical reaction to the defeat.

"But [before Wenger, Arsenal was a team] with Tony Adams and out greatest ever defense a team with BRITISH BULLDOG spirit."

- Ar5enalwin -make Arsenal a club players want to come to and stay at, even over 30's...

You know, I think it's a bit insulting to one of Arsenal's greatest ever players to suggest his technical ability as a defender was secondary to him being BRITISH AND SPIRITED. On Wenger, Adams himself praised Wenger's role in helping him overcome his battle with alcohol addiction. But no, for Ar5enalwin that was all before Wenger. Once he took over, the first thing he did was sell Adams, Bould, Keown, Winterburn and Dixon to Havant and Waterlooville for £2.47 and a cheese baguette.

"I for one would be glad for some sort of calamity this season if only to rid us off Hillwood Fiszman and the other dinosaurs."

- Ar5enalwin -there's actually meant to be a space after the hyphen but I didn't put one there because my IQ is in the 30's...

Some fan he is. He wants his own team to lose so he can get a greasy Russian with dirty money to come over, put us further in debt - and I gather debt is a particular favourite reason of his why we should get rid of the board, see his 46 (again, not a joke, he actually wrote that many, OCD anyone?) "Sack the Board" articles - and destroy our long term financial future?

"The leadership have no intension at all with winning silverware.

All they care about is making enough prize money to pay off the banks."

- Ar5enalwin -let's put Arsenal in so much debt to Usmanov's creditors they'll be paying it off until the 2530's...

Wait, what? They don't care about winning stuff, they just want to win stuff...? Is Ar5enalwin actually handicapped? Answers on the back of a postcard.

On a thread calling for the board to be eaten by Usmanov's rolls of neck fat.

"Fans like him [calling for Usmanov to buy the club] are to be welcomed because like wenger they care that we have lost."

- Ar5enalwin -the number of small boys I have attempted to molest is probably in the 30's...

Remember kids, if you don't call for a board takeover every time your team loses, you're not a real fan!

"The trouble is just as me and my colleague sat on our seast last saturday UNABLE to recongise a single WBA player on the pre match team sheet except scott carson (who we should have bought by the way), we expected to storm the game but ended up just scraping a win."

- Ar5enalwin -I have the intellect and debating ability of an eleven year old, despite the fact that I'm well past my 30's...

That's not an indication that West Brom were poor quality opposition. That's an indication that you're an ignorant, arrogant cock. You're the reason so many people hate top-four fans, because you look down your nose at them despite the fact that you know bugger all about them or their team.

And finally, this comment from an article bemoaning the absence of Alex Hleb - which is a stupid article anyway, when we've had 70% of the possession and no goals, the last thing we need is Dribbly McNoshoot to come back.

"That is because the average weight of an arsenal teenager is 9 stone and height 5ft6.

How do you expect such players to shove aside some fearsome defences?"

- Ar5enalwin -possessed of the same level of rationality and reason as the German government of the late 1930's...

I'm sorry, but that's retarded. They're teenagers. They grow and stuff. Also, how many teenagers have Arsenal fielded in the league this season so far? One. Walcott. So quoting his height and weight doesn't constitute the "average weight of an arsenal teenager", you pathetic kettle of lying protoplasm.

UPDATE: Got him bang to rights on his claim to be a season ticket holder. He's just another lying plastic. I've posted the below on 606 here - keep an eye on it, this could get tasty.

From this.

"Like you I have a seaason ticket and go to games."

- Ar5enalwin -only able to count up to the 30's..., ~9pm

But then this followed...

"The reason I did NOT go today was the £48 + booking fee RIP OFF they charge for a ticket...."

- Ar5enalwin -a lying waste of oxygen and bandwith. Also something about 30's..., 10.19pm

Oh snap!

Gooners = South London Toffs

I thank Joao for both of these. I thank him less for sending me an email about hateglazer with the subject line "Ok, he's topped himself now", which gave me a few brief, glorious, but ultimately false few seconds of hope that he'd finally done the only respectable thing one as pathetic as him could do. Sadly this was not the case. The article is about how Arsenal are not from North London (oh noes! teh seekrit is out, guise!).

"I believe that the only North London club in the top flight will finish in the top 4 this year. That team is Tottenham Hotspur. Woolwich Arsenal will be 6th. Get back to me in May. Ta ra"

- hateglazer

I didn't think people could actually be genuinely, non-ironically racist against people from south of the Thames, but you live, you learn. To hateglazer, they are inferior troglodytes not worthy of kicking a football who should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for dirtying up his lovely Premier League. Hang your head in shame, Charlton Athletic. Even the Championship is too good for you.

Oh, and it's "ta-ta", not "ta ra". You're meant to be saying goodbye in a disparaging manner, not impersonating an extra from Mary Poppins.

Later in the thread, his credibility, intelligence and geographic location were called into question. He rose to the occasion magnificently, as you can see.

"I hate Arsenal I live in Manchester and your patently a toff. Where are you from JJ [JohnJensensGoal] still not told me"

- hateglazer

You know, for a man who is awfully pinickity about Arsenal's geographic location and history, it's a tad hypocritical to claim to live in Salford (as he has done many times before, to prove he's a "local" supporter) and Manchester. Or maybe he has two houses, the same way ex-WUM Anonymous000 had twenty-two season tickets.

Also, "toff", used as an insult? Fantastic. I can just see JJG walking around in a silk cravat, top hat and monocle saying "What what? Tally ho old bean!" as he sets his hounds upon hateglazer's quivering, gutter-bound form.

Work that Wand, Big Boy

"A one off today lads dont worry. there were signs of whats to come excellant link up between bent and berbatov unlucky not to score both of them.

We bossed the midfield and they got 2 lucky goals tbh.

COYS! heads up! ignore those muggy frenchies who play utter crud on their first game whilst we have the hardest or one of game of the season away at the boro.

We will finish 3rd, we have world class players, cmon Ramos! work that juande!"

- Uganda's Finest Spur

This is from a discussion on Spurs' defeat to Middlesbrough, and how they are going to break into the top four. I'm not even sure he was watching the game, but it's not so much the lack of coherence, glib racism or stonewall denial of reality that makes this post so great. It's the creepy phonetic innuendo of the last line.