Barton Fink

Ah, Bobby Heenan. One of 606's most frequently banned WUMs (yes, a WUM who actually gets banned, that's how bad he is) has returned under a new guise. The man renowned for his hatred of Pelé, Nelson Mandela, Thierry Henry, Thabo Mbeki, Emmanuel Eboué and Theo Walcott (notice a common theme there? If you said "they're all black", give yourself a gold star) just will not accept the fact that nobody likes him and he should just go home.

Lady luck smiles on me tonight, I caught this pathetic defense of Joey Barton about 45 seconds before the mods swooped and hid the article. Gotta love the rambling, stream of consciousness style and constant self-repetition.

"I saw absolutely nothing wrong with Bartons challenge on Nasri but Nasris trip on Barton was well worthy of atleast a yellow card."

- BobbyinWilmslow

You're right. It was worthy of more than a mere yellow card. It was worthy of a knighthood for "services to football".

"Joey Barton is a young man who has been to prison and unfortunately he has made mistakes."

- BobbyinWilmslow

"It was a mistake guv', honest. I just sort of slipped and hit the lad in the eye with my cigar. The only reason I ground it in there until it was no longer lit was because I thought I saw a fly in there and just wanted to get it out."

"Arsenal fans getting on the back of Joey Barton should take a look at one of their very own. [...] What about Emmanuel Eboue? Emmanuel Eboue severely injured John Terry with a very thuggish violent challenge last season"

- BobbyinWilmslow

Firstly, Terry had just tried to drop-kick Fabregas as he lay on the ground. Secondly, John Terry broke his foot when he kicked Eboué's boot instead of the ball, proving once and for all that he's a spaz who can't tackle properly (or even foul properly for that matter).

But wait, maybe it wasn't a shocking foul on Cesc...

"Actually the challenge on Fabregas was a very good chalenge and John Terry clearly won the ball. It was a very strong and ferocious challenge but the ball was there to be won. I was astounded when John Terry recieved a yellow card as I thought that Fabregas should have recieved a yellow card atleast for raising his hands to the England captain John Terry in the aftermath."

- BobbyinWilmslow

This is true, if by "won the ball" you mean "kicked him", and by "there to be won" you mean "nowhere near him". Also I like the idea that referees should give extra protection to the England captain, as he is above and beyond petty things like consistency in the enforcement of rules.

"What legacy did Thierry "goes totally missing in the big games, never tracks back and very arrogant aloof" Henry leave behind?"

- BobbyinWilmslow

And once again we're back to the same old targets. Let me put it this way. Henry's legacy is not one of assaulting teenagers, putting cigars in trainees' eyes, getting in drunken brawls, getting permanently banned from McDonalds, beating up team-mates, trying to injure people on the football pitch and being defended by Bobby Heenan. Therefore, I say it's a fairly decent one.

Hate "Leonard Cohen" glazer

Sorry for the recent drop in content, both in terms of volume and quality. The first is due to a drop-off in submissions, largely due to the actions of the mods, and the humourless Chelsea fans reporting me to them. The second is due to real life, that most irritating of things, catching up with me with increasing frequency these days.

But that's enough excuse making, and actions speak louder than words. So without further ado, let us plunge once more into the tortured psyche of hateglazer. This was from a thread about Chelsea and trade-offs for success.

"An ode to Chelsea:

The fake plastic football team
With fake plastic football players
With their fake plastic success
It wears me out,
It wears me out,
It wears me out.

They look like the real thing,
They taste like the real thing,
This fake plastic club

With no history,
And no tradition,
Jose Mourinho weren't no magician,
He was a fake plastic manager.

And they want to be
Like United
And they wanna be
Like United
All the time"

- hateglazer

Oh the wit! See how it burns! Feel the power of his originality - nobody has ever either called Chelsea plastic, nor have they ever used the power of song to taunt them! Nor have Manchester United ever had a plastic fan - no child from Surrey or Essex would be seen dead in a United shirt, that's for sure. And pray tell, what is a "fake plastic"? Is that a real fan pretending to be a glory-hunter for the laugh? Or did Mourinho actually pretend to be made of polystyrene?

The fact that he could only think of one rhyme makes it look all the more plaintive, as if he suddenly remembered what he read about poems in kindergarten and thought he should throw one lonely one in, just to make sure it qualified as a poem, in case the poetry police came for him or something.

Incidentally, I wonder if hateglazer is related to this guy?

The Universal Constant

It's nice to know that jingoism is not yet dead. English players are always more spirited, passionate and determined than all those Johnny Foreigners, at least according to this charmlessly idiotic and assertion-ridden thread.

"English + Experince = SUCCESS"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

It's true, there aren't enough experinced players at Arsenal. Or in the league at all. I don't think anyone counts as "experinced". When that's the title of the article, it's not a good start. If you're going to be so proud of being English, I reckon the language is as good a place as any to start.

"The one thing ive notice about this Arsenal team is the lack of passion they have. Sure when the team is winning there gunna give it their all, but when times get tough and you need that extra goal to win a game"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

Because England have never rolled over and played listlessly to defeat. NEVAR.

"Look what difference Tevez made for Man Utd last season when he got those late equalisers"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

That... that is just the footbullet to end all footbullets... Evidently MFG can't even hold his nationalistic train of thought together for more than a sentence. Carlos Tevez, that most famous son of Droylesden!

In all fairness though, he was probably distracted by a photo of Maggie Thatcher, and the subsequent fit of spirited, British passion he had all over his Union Jack boxers.

If This is England, I Want Out

Thanks to Adam for tipping me off about this guy, there's something in vidic's pocket...oh, it's Didier Drogba, a Boltonian schoolboy Man U fan who has a borderline sexual obsession with an own goal Richard Dunne scored over four years ago, and the word "massive". You'd also think if he loved Vidic so much he's bother to capitalise the "v"...

This one is from a thread about, er, well... nothing, really. Though it becomes a thread about how much he hates the English football team. This is quite a rare posting from him, as it's not on the Manchester City board. It's on Chelsea's.

"I am proud of Manchester as it is not English in the way London is. It is a city that was built by 'immigrants' and has a strong Irish influence. I love Manchester United. I have no intrest at all in the england national team, the southern chavs that 'support' them i feel embarsment and hatred for."

- there's something in vidic's pocket...oh, it's Didier Drogba

Yes mate, 'cos there's no immigrants or Irish in London. FACT.

"I live in a four bed detatch thanks, which is valued at 400,000, on a private estate, i also attended a private school, so my future was always going to be bright wasn't it?"

- there's something in vidic's pocket...oh, it's Didier Drogba

You know, given today's housing market, £400,000 will buy you a small cardboard box in Brixton. Well loaded, intcha?

"Listen to this man [there's something in vidic's pocket...oh, it's Didier Drogba], England fans no nothing about football it's fact."

- hateglazer

The more stupid a thread on 606 gets, the probability of hateglazer posting in it approaches one.

Usmanov's Second Chin Speaks

God, matchday is always a busy day. I mentioned earlier about the Arsenal board going ape over the defeat to Fulham, and, unsurprisingly, one individual has come in, cutting a swathe through all and sundry to redefine obsessive-compulsive idiocy on a pinnacle few men can ever hope to reach. Here is just a taster of the madness that is Ar5enalwin -make Arsenal a club players want to come to and stay at, even over 30's... (Yes, that's actually his username. Should give you an idea of what's to come.)

This first batch are taken from a thread of mine condemning the hysterical reaction to the defeat.

"But [before Wenger, Arsenal was a team] with Tony Adams and out greatest ever defense a team with BRITISH BULLDOG spirit."

- Ar5enalwin -make Arsenal a club players want to come to and stay at, even over 30's...

You know, I think it's a bit insulting to one of Arsenal's greatest ever players to suggest his technical ability as a defender was secondary to him being BRITISH AND SPIRITED. On Wenger, Adams himself praised Wenger's role in helping him overcome his battle with alcohol addiction. But no, for Ar5enalwin that was all before Wenger. Once he took over, the first thing he did was sell Adams, Bould, Keown, Winterburn and Dixon to Havant and Waterlooville for £2.47 and a cheese baguette.

"I for one would be glad for some sort of calamity this season if only to rid us off Hillwood Fiszman and the other dinosaurs."

- Ar5enalwin -there's actually meant to be a space after the hyphen but I didn't put one there because my IQ is in the 30's...

Some fan he is. He wants his own team to lose so he can get a greasy Russian with dirty money to come over, put us further in debt - and I gather debt is a particular favourite reason of his why we should get rid of the board, see his 46 (again, not a joke, he actually wrote that many, OCD anyone?) "Sack the Board" articles - and destroy our long term financial future?

"The leadership have no intension at all with winning silverware.

All they care about is making enough prize money to pay off the banks."

- Ar5enalwin -let's put Arsenal in so much debt to Usmanov's creditors they'll be paying it off until the 2530's...

Wait, what? They don't care about winning stuff, they just want to win stuff...? Is Ar5enalwin actually handicapped? Answers on the back of a postcard.

On a thread calling for the board to be eaten by Usmanov's rolls of neck fat.

"Fans like him [calling for Usmanov to buy the club] are to be welcomed because like wenger they care that we have lost."

- Ar5enalwin -the number of small boys I have attempted to molest is probably in the 30's...

Remember kids, if you don't call for a board takeover every time your team loses, you're not a real fan!

"The trouble is just as me and my colleague sat on our seast last saturday UNABLE to recongise a single WBA player on the pre match team sheet except scott carson (who we should have bought by the way), we expected to storm the game but ended up just scraping a win."

- Ar5enalwin -I have the intellect and debating ability of an eleven year old, despite the fact that I'm well past my 30's...

That's not an indication that West Brom were poor quality opposition. That's an indication that you're an ignorant, arrogant cock. You're the reason so many people hate top-four fans, because you look down your nose at them despite the fact that you know bugger all about them or their team.

And finally, this comment from an article bemoaning the absence of Alex Hleb - which is a stupid article anyway, when we've had 70% of the possession and no goals, the last thing we need is Dribbly McNoshoot to come back.

"That is because the average weight of an arsenal teenager is 9 stone and height 5ft6.

How do you expect such players to shove aside some fearsome defences?"

- Ar5enalwin -possessed of the same level of rationality and reason as the German government of the late 1930's...

I'm sorry, but that's retarded. They're teenagers. They grow and stuff. Also, how many teenagers have Arsenal fielded in the league this season so far? One. Walcott. So quoting his height and weight doesn't constitute the "average weight of an arsenal teenager", you pathetic kettle of lying protoplasm.

UPDATE: Got him bang to rights on his claim to be a season ticket holder. He's just another lying plastic. I've posted the below on 606 here - keep an eye on it, this could get tasty.

From this.

"Like you I have a seaason ticket and go to games."

- Ar5enalwin -only able to count up to the 30's..., ~9pm

But then this followed...

"The reason I did NOT go today was the £48 + booking fee RIP OFF they charge for a ticket...."

- Ar5enalwin -a lying waste of oxygen and bandwith. Also something about 30's..., 10.19pm

Oh snap!

More Bitter than a Pint of Harvey's Sussex

I know I implied I was going to lay off Spurs for a bit, but they just keep posting stupid things. However, Arsenal lost today, and played woefully, so I will indulge. This also means the Arsenal board exploded into the usual anti-Wenger vs. pro-Wenger civil war that occurs every time we win/lose/draw/have a training session, so once the dust settles, I'm sure I can find some choice Arsenal idiocy.

But back to the matter at hand. Kudos to The_Jacobian for sending in this charming reaction to another defeat for Spurs.

"How we managed to lose to a team of rejects and loanees at home i cannot understand."

- silver_spurs

It's not complicated. You played like a bunch of drunk amputees suffering from a Ménière's disease epidemic. Can you understand that? Also, funny how those Spurs "rejects" are better than your actual team.

"We hav too much quality in depth"

- silver_spurs

No, you have absolutely no depth whatsoever. You sold all your good "backup" players. To Sunderland.

"We'll keep sellin our has beens for over inflated prices to the likes of small clubs like ur mob"

- silver_spurs

To be honest, only one club payed an over-inflated price for a Spurs player, and I don't think Liverpool will appreciate being called a "small club". I think what you'll find, in reality as opposed to in la-la land, which silver_spurs inhabits, Keano did a smart bit of business. The proof of that is in the proverbial pudding, that delicious, delicious 2-1 pudding.

Mystic Meg

13 league titles to 2 has sent me in an interesting attempt at predictive analysis from a Spurs fan. Basically, they are better than all the other not-top-four teams. I know Spurs seem to be getting a lot of stick on this, but the problem is that their section of WUMs and deluded fans (and every club has them) tend to be quite vocal, which firstly puts all their claims under more scrutiny, and secondly makes a lot of other fans dislike them in general. So I should say this is no way a reflection on the sensible majority of Spurs fans.

This guy, however...

"Is it quite satisfying to have a look at our potential rivals for 5th place at the moment?

They dont seem to be on level with us with their summer recruits."

- paxtonsteward

Because summer signings are all that matters. It's why Liverpool and Arsenal both won the league last year, didn't you know?

They're too long to post here, but check his predictions, especially on Newcastle, Porstmouth, City and Blackburn. Then look at their results so far and mock.

Oh, and as for Spurs being the best mid-table team? Did you know Sunderland had never won at White Hart Lane until the "Ramos Revolution" began? It's no good bragging about your amazing midfield if you can't sodding defend.

And it's no good making predictions if you haven't a sodding clue what you're talking about.

Ralph, is That You?

I've slightly mixed feelings about this contribution from tom4nufc. On the one hand, this guy is not being offensive, arrogant or trying to start a fight. However, he is showing a level of intelligence that strongly suggests he should not be allowed anywhere near a computer ever again, for fear he will replicate a certain scene from the movie Zoolander. WARNING: This link contains grown men mocking what may be a disadvantaged individual. You may injure yourself laughing.

"Ive seen fans from other boards call us toon fan's "barcodes" and ive never bothered asking what it mean's but now i want to know"

- djWilo77

Read the thread. It's funnier than anything I could say here. There is a well-known website where one of the mottoes is "none of us is as cruel as all of us". This is proven here, and quite frankly, the world is a funnier place for it.

Gooners = South London Toffs

I thank Joao for both of these. I thank him less for sending me an email about hateglazer with the subject line "Ok, he's topped himself now", which gave me a few brief, glorious, but ultimately false few seconds of hope that he'd finally done the only respectable thing one as pathetic as him could do. Sadly this was not the case. The article is about how Arsenal are not from North London (oh noes! teh seekrit is out, guise!).

"I believe that the only North London club in the top flight will finish in the top 4 this year. That team is Tottenham Hotspur. Woolwich Arsenal will be 6th. Get back to me in May. Ta ra"

- hateglazer

I didn't think people could actually be genuinely, non-ironically racist against people from south of the Thames, but you live, you learn. To hateglazer, they are inferior troglodytes not worthy of kicking a football who should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for dirtying up his lovely Premier League. Hang your head in shame, Charlton Athletic. Even the Championship is too good for you.

Oh, and it's "ta-ta", not "ta ra". You're meant to be saying goodbye in a disparaging manner, not impersonating an extra from Mary Poppins.

Later in the thread, his credibility, intelligence and geographic location were called into question. He rose to the occasion magnificently, as you can see.

"I hate Arsenal I live in Manchester and your patently a toff. Where are you from JJ [JohnJensensGoal] still not told me"

- hateglazer

You know, for a man who is awfully pinickity about Arsenal's geographic location and history, it's a tad hypocritical to claim to live in Salford (as he has done many times before, to prove he's a "local" supporter) and Manchester. Or maybe he has two houses, the same way ex-WUM Anonymous000 had twenty-two season tickets.

Also, "toff", used as an insult? Fantastic. I can just see JJG walking around in a silk cravat, top hat and monocle saying "What what? Tally ho old bean!" as he sets his hounds upon hateglazer's quivering, gutter-bound form.

His Inner Zen

Thanks to Arsenal's 606 board's resident comedian JohnJensensGoal for alerting me to this short piece from hateglazer, which I think is about Silvestre, but given this guy's grip on reality, could be about that time Arsène Wenger was seen eating a prawn sandwich instead of an overpriced burger.

"How does it feel now that your manager has demonstrated to you all that Manchester United are a superior club to you in every deparment. I come in peace by the way, I am calm today"

- hateglazer

Apparently he's found inner calm through all of that aromatherapy he's been doing, and the rose quartz crystal he now keeps in his breast pocket for good chakra. He's so at peace, he has had a vision in which Silvestre is not just a defender, but covers every department, including physio and tea lady.

Also, notice how his post is phrased as a question, yet cunningly contains not a single question mark.


UPDATE: He's added a similar one here.

"he's [Silvestre] just said he left United to play more games"

- hateglazer

The only reason I've updated to include this is because JohnJensensGoal has a cracking response.

"Yes it would have been much more preferable if our new signing had said "I've only turned up for the paycheck. To be honest I don't want to play at all."

Which I believe is roughly going to be Ronaldo's attitude this year."

- JohnJensensGoal

Work that Wand, Big Boy

"A one off today lads dont worry. there were signs of whats to come excellant link up between bent and berbatov unlucky not to score both of them.

We bossed the midfield and they got 2 lucky goals tbh.

COYS! heads up! ignore those muggy frenchies who play utter crud on their first game whilst we have the hardest or one of game of the season away at the boro.

We will finish 3rd, we have world class players, cmon Ramos! work that juande!"

- Uganda's Finest Spur

This is from a discussion on Spurs' defeat to Middlesbrough, and how they are going to break into the top four. I'm not even sure he was watching the game, but it's not so much the lack of coherence, glib racism or stonewall denial of reality that makes this post so great. It's the creepy phonetic innuendo of the last line.