Barton Fink

Ah, Bobby Heenan. One of 606's most frequently banned WUMs (yes, a WUM who actually gets banned, that's how bad he is) has returned under a new guise. The man renowned for his hatred of Pelé, Nelson Mandela, Thierry Henry, Thabo Mbeki, Emmanuel Eboué and Theo Walcott (notice a common theme there? If you said "they're all black", give yourself a gold star) just will not accept the fact that nobody likes him and he should just go home.

Lady luck smiles on me tonight, I caught this pathetic defense of Joey Barton about 45 seconds before the mods swooped and hid the article. Gotta love the rambling, stream of consciousness style and constant self-repetition.

"I saw absolutely nothing wrong with Bartons challenge on Nasri but Nasris trip on Barton was well worthy of atleast a yellow card."

- BobbyinWilmslow

You're right. It was worthy of more than a mere yellow card. It was worthy of a knighthood for "services to football".

"Joey Barton is a young man who has been to prison and unfortunately he has made mistakes."

- BobbyinWilmslow

"It was a mistake guv', honest. I just sort of slipped and hit the lad in the eye with my cigar. The only reason I ground it in there until it was no longer lit was because I thought I saw a fly in there and just wanted to get it out."

"Arsenal fans getting on the back of Joey Barton should take a look at one of their very own. [...] What about Emmanuel Eboue? Emmanuel Eboue severely injured John Terry with a very thuggish violent challenge last season"

- BobbyinWilmslow

Firstly, Terry had just tried to drop-kick Fabregas as he lay on the ground. Secondly, John Terry broke his foot when he kicked Eboué's boot instead of the ball, proving once and for all that he's a spaz who can't tackle properly (or even foul properly for that matter).

But wait, maybe it wasn't a shocking foul on Cesc...

"Actually the challenge on Fabregas was a very good chalenge and John Terry clearly won the ball. It was a very strong and ferocious challenge but the ball was there to be won. I was astounded when John Terry recieved a yellow card as I thought that Fabregas should have recieved a yellow card atleast for raising his hands to the England captain John Terry in the aftermath."

- BobbyinWilmslow

This is true, if by "won the ball" you mean "kicked him", and by "there to be won" you mean "nowhere near him". Also I like the idea that referees should give extra protection to the England captain, as he is above and beyond petty things like consistency in the enforcement of rules.

"What legacy did Thierry "goes totally missing in the big games, never tracks back and very arrogant aloof" Henry leave behind?"

- BobbyinWilmslow

And once again we're back to the same old targets. Let me put it this way. Henry's legacy is not one of assaulting teenagers, putting cigars in trainees' eyes, getting in drunken brawls, getting permanently banned from McDonalds, beating up team-mates, trying to injure people on the football pitch and being defended by Bobby Heenan. Therefore, I say it's a fairly decent one.

Hate "Leonard Cohen" glazer

Sorry for the recent drop in content, both in terms of volume and quality. The first is due to a drop-off in submissions, largely due to the actions of the mods, and the humourless Chelsea fans reporting me to them. The second is due to real life, that most irritating of things, catching up with me with increasing frequency these days.

But that's enough excuse making, and actions speak louder than words. So without further ado, let us plunge once more into the tortured psyche of hateglazer. This was from a thread about Chelsea and trade-offs for success.

"An ode to Chelsea:

The fake plastic football team
With fake plastic football players
With their fake plastic success
It wears me out,
It wears me out,
It wears me out.

They look like the real thing,
They taste like the real thing,
This fake plastic club

With no history,
And no tradition,
Jose Mourinho weren't no magician,
He was a fake plastic manager.

And they want to be
Like United
And they wanna be
Like United
All the time"

- hateglazer

Oh the wit! See how it burns! Feel the power of his originality - nobody has ever either called Chelsea plastic, nor have they ever used the power of song to taunt them! Nor have Manchester United ever had a plastic fan - no child from Surrey or Essex would be seen dead in a United shirt, that's for sure. And pray tell, what is a "fake plastic"? Is that a real fan pretending to be a glory-hunter for the laugh? Or did Mourinho actually pretend to be made of polystyrene?

The fact that he could only think of one rhyme makes it look all the more plaintive, as if he suddenly remembered what he read about poems in kindergarten and thought he should throw one lonely one in, just to make sure it qualified as a poem, in case the poetry police came for him or something.

Incidentally, I wonder if hateglazer is related to this guy?

Gooners = South London Toffs

I thank Joao for both of these. I thank him less for sending me an email about hateglazer with the subject line "Ok, he's topped himself now", which gave me a few brief, glorious, but ultimately false few seconds of hope that he'd finally done the only respectable thing one as pathetic as him could do. Sadly this was not the case. The article is about how Arsenal are not from North London (oh noes! teh seekrit is out, guise!).

"I believe that the only North London club in the top flight will finish in the top 4 this year. That team is Tottenham Hotspur. Woolwich Arsenal will be 6th. Get back to me in May. Ta ra"

- hateglazer

I didn't think people could actually be genuinely, non-ironically racist against people from south of the Thames, but you live, you learn. To hateglazer, they are inferior troglodytes not worthy of kicking a football who should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for dirtying up his lovely Premier League. Hang your head in shame, Charlton Athletic. Even the Championship is too good for you.

Oh, and it's "ta-ta", not "ta ra". You're meant to be saying goodbye in a disparaging manner, not impersonating an extra from Mary Poppins.

Later in the thread, his credibility, intelligence and geographic location were called into question. He rose to the occasion magnificently, as you can see.

"I hate Arsenal I live in Manchester and your patently a toff. Where are you from JJ [JohnJensensGoal] still not told me"

- hateglazer

You know, for a man who is awfully pinickity about Arsenal's geographic location and history, it's a tad hypocritical to claim to live in Salford (as he has done many times before, to prove he's a "local" supporter) and Manchester. Or maybe he has two houses, the same way ex-WUM Anonymous000 had twenty-two season tickets.

Also, "toff", used as an insult? Fantastic. I can just see JJG walking around in a silk cravat, top hat and monocle saying "What what? Tally ho old bean!" as he sets his hounds upon hateglazer's quivering, gutter-bound form.

Epic Failure

One day, there was a WUM who decided to write a lengthy article about how Kevin Keegan was better than Alex Ferguson, for the purpose of annoying Manchester United fans. Thing is, this WUM is a bit thick, so he posted it on the Newcastle board instead. Needless to say, from the responses, the Geordies are less than impressed with his idiocy. Thanks to RedDevilVivaLaTreble for alerting me to this man, who actually manages to fail at WUMming.

"Do Man United 'fans' actually believe that Alex miraculously sculpted the talents of players like Giggs, Scholes, Beckham and more recently Ronaldo or do they happily admit they got lucky? If the youth system is so amazing why are you currently fielding Frazier Campbell and Chris Eagles?"

- DavidMoyesWife

This is why he fails. If he could offer any counter points from Newcastle's system, then he would have something that, while wrong, would be harder to argue against and could allow him to stonewall if anyone took the bait. As it is, no-one will take bait that poorly laid. He's not offensive to the senses like so many others on 606, he just comes across as a gibbering halfwit. You know, the kind of guy on the back of the bus with a brown paper bag in one hand, the other hand down his pants, rambling on about the lizardmen who really control the world while swigging his Tesco Value vodka and masturbating furiously, without the mental capacity to realise that he's embarrassing himself.

Oh, and Chris Eagles plays for Burnley.

"Look at Arsene Wenger- amazing football far better than Man Untd, without having to spend ridiculous sums on players and then pretend it didn't happen like with Veron"

- DavidMoyesWife

Two words: "Franny Jeffers".

His Inner Zen

Thanks to Arsenal's 606 board's resident comedian JohnJensensGoal for alerting me to this short piece from hateglazer, which I think is about Silvestre, but given this guy's grip on reality, could be about that time Arsène Wenger was seen eating a prawn sandwich instead of an overpriced burger.

"How does it feel now that your manager has demonstrated to you all that Manchester United are a superior club to you in every deparment. I come in peace by the way, I am calm today"

- hateglazer

Apparently he's found inner calm through all of that aromatherapy he's been doing, and the rose quartz crystal he now keeps in his breast pocket for good chakra. He's so at peace, he has had a vision in which Silvestre is not just a defender, but covers every department, including physio and tea lady.

Also, notice how his post is phrased as a question, yet cunningly contains not a single question mark.


UPDATE: He's added a similar one here.

"he's [Silvestre] just said he left United to play more games"

- hateglazer

The only reason I've updated to include this is because JohnJensensGoal has a cracking response.

"Yes it would have been much more preferable if our new signing had said "I've only turned up for the paycheck. To be honest I don't want to play at all."

Which I believe is roughly going to be Ronaldo's attitude this year."

- JohnJensensGoal

A Genuine "This Will be Our Year!"

Wow. Just... wow. Sometimes something comes along that is so incredibly wrong in every possible way that it's actually an achievement. I can't thank Matija enough, who not only found this epic screed, nominally about the Berbatov saga, by perennial WUM - for the benefit of the uninitiated, that is an acronym for wind-up merchant, which is basically 606-speak for "troll" - spurs_hart_lane, but presumably read the entire thing, which takes real perseverance. Because it is entirely tl;dr, below are just some choice quotes - and it's still a lot. This guy is gold.

"I don't know who United think they are, Spurs are getting bigger and will soon have a stadium to match Uniteds, as well as the global fan base."

- spurs_hart_lane

Who do they think they are? Only the most widely supported English club in the world. As for the stadium, it'll be 55,000 seats. Old Trafford has over 76,000. Evidently maths isn't among spurs_hart_lane's GCSE courses.

"United are just as bad as Real Madrid when trying to unsettle players."

- spurs_hart_lane

United may be many things, but nobody is as bad as Real. Alex Ferguson could eat babies and he'd still be better than Calderon and co.

"I just hope we will win the league to show you how much we are improving and how far we have come under Ramos."

- spurs_hart_lane

Keep wishing on that star, buddy.

"Looking at our unbelievable pre season form where we thrashed one of the best teams in Europe in Roma while playing some of the best attacking football that I have seen for some time."

- spurs_hart_lane

Did you thrash Roma? Did you thrash them 7-1? Oh no, wait. That was United. Nevermind. And if that was the best attacking football you've seen for some time, you haven't been watching Arsenal.

"Both Spurs and United will be challenging for the league title [...] we are your main rivals."

- spurs_hart_lane

What.

"[...] we have a better defence than you [United]."

- spurs_hart_lane

I can't even say anything. I can only laugh.

"Bent [...] is a scoring machine and worth every penny of his prices tag. He will score more goals that [sic] Rooney."

- spurs_hart_lane

Now, I don't like Rooney. I think he's violent, gobby and overrated. But that just takes the biscuit. Bent just ripped 'Boro to bits, didn't he?

"I believe last season we played better attacking football than you [United] but it was our defence that let us down."

- spurs_hart_lane

Yes, what a strikeforce you had! Shame one half's gone to Liverpool and the other's going to United. And your defense let you down? That's very true. That must also be why you haven't signed any defenders, then. Ramos = genius!

And wait, didn't you say your defense this season is better than United's? And now you're saying it cost you last season? Even though it's the exactly the same players? Oops.

"I can't wait till we start playing in the champions league, where we belong [...] We deserve to be playing in the champions league but I will be happy winning the UEFA cup this year."

- spurs_hart_lane

How can you "belong" in the Champions League, having never played there before? Neither philosophy nor English seem to have been on the ol' GCSE either. And good luck winning that UEFA cup. You know what they say about good luck coming in threes.

"We have a better team than Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool and just as good as United."

- spurs_hart_lane

Now, I don't want to hate Spurs fans, honestly. But this kind of drivel really makes me want to. You've even made me defend United. Honestly. Oh, and by the way, spurs_hart_lane, given that your article is 722 words long, yet has a reading age of around 12 (the internet is a wonderful resource), would it be safe to say that you are in no way familiar with the phrase "brevity is the soul of wit"?