It's all About Me, Me, Me

Thanks to 13 league titles to 2 for sending me in this one. At first it seems like a sensible Spurs fan accepting that a top four finish is not realistic this season. However, it's downhill all the way from there...

"As I lose hope in Spurs breaching the top 4 once again, I have begun thinking that there should be Champions League qualification places for the top 6 clubs in our league."

- Mortdog

Of course! Because UEFA's primary concern should be working on finding ways to get Spurs into the Champions League. Also, I'd bet any amount of money that if pigs flew and this happened, Spurs would finish 7th.

"Seeing Anorthosis Famagusta in this years group stage after we demolished them 6-1 at WHL last year has annoyed me that THFC can't perform on this stage."

- Mortdog

Dirty Cypriots! It's not like they qualified for it or anything. Olympiacos just rolled over and let them win, just to spite Spurs. Can't trust those Greeks. Eyes to close together and all. And Cyprus is basically Greece. Coincidence? I think not! You couldn't make it up!

"Together with English teams making up 3/4 of the CL semi-finalists last year, and our 5-0 mauling of Roma in pre-season, it is clear that a wider range of English teams can compete with Europe's best."

- Mortdog

So, let me get this straight. Other teams being good and the result of one pre-season friendly means Spurs are automatically good too? What?

Barton Fink

Ah, Bobby Heenan. One of 606's most frequently banned WUMs (yes, a WUM who actually gets banned, that's how bad he is) has returned under a new guise. The man renowned for his hatred of Pelé, Nelson Mandela, Thierry Henry, Thabo Mbeki, Emmanuel Eboué and Theo Walcott (notice a common theme there? If you said "they're all black", give yourself a gold star) just will not accept the fact that nobody likes him and he should just go home.

Lady luck smiles on me tonight, I caught this pathetic defense of Joey Barton about 45 seconds before the mods swooped and hid the article. Gotta love the rambling, stream of consciousness style and constant self-repetition.

"I saw absolutely nothing wrong with Bartons challenge on Nasri but Nasris trip on Barton was well worthy of atleast a yellow card."

- BobbyinWilmslow

You're right. It was worthy of more than a mere yellow card. It was worthy of a knighthood for "services to football".

"Joey Barton is a young man who has been to prison and unfortunately he has made mistakes."

- BobbyinWilmslow

"It was a mistake guv', honest. I just sort of slipped and hit the lad in the eye with my cigar. The only reason I ground it in there until it was no longer lit was because I thought I saw a fly in there and just wanted to get it out."

"Arsenal fans getting on the back of Joey Barton should take a look at one of their very own. [...] What about Emmanuel Eboue? Emmanuel Eboue severely injured John Terry with a very thuggish violent challenge last season"

- BobbyinWilmslow

Firstly, Terry had just tried to drop-kick Fabregas as he lay on the ground. Secondly, John Terry broke his foot when he kicked Eboué's boot instead of the ball, proving once and for all that he's a spaz who can't tackle properly (or even foul properly for that matter).

But wait, maybe it wasn't a shocking foul on Cesc...

"Actually the challenge on Fabregas was a very good chalenge and John Terry clearly won the ball. It was a very strong and ferocious challenge but the ball was there to be won. I was astounded when John Terry recieved a yellow card as I thought that Fabregas should have recieved a yellow card atleast for raising his hands to the England captain John Terry in the aftermath."

- BobbyinWilmslow

This is true, if by "won the ball" you mean "kicked him", and by "there to be won" you mean "nowhere near him". Also I like the idea that referees should give extra protection to the England captain, as he is above and beyond petty things like consistency in the enforcement of rules.

"What legacy did Thierry "goes totally missing in the big games, never tracks back and very arrogant aloof" Henry leave behind?"

- BobbyinWilmslow

And once again we're back to the same old targets. Let me put it this way. Henry's legacy is not one of assaulting teenagers, putting cigars in trainees' eyes, getting in drunken brawls, getting permanently banned from McDonalds, beating up team-mates, trying to injure people on the football pitch and being defended by Bobby Heenan. Therefore, I say it's a fairly decent one.

The Universal Constant

It's nice to know that jingoism is not yet dead. English players are always more spirited, passionate and determined than all those Johnny Foreigners, at least according to this charmlessly idiotic and assertion-ridden thread.

"English + Experince = SUCCESS"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

It's true, there aren't enough experinced players at Arsenal. Or in the league at all. I don't think anyone counts as "experinced". When that's the title of the article, it's not a good start. If you're going to be so proud of being English, I reckon the language is as good a place as any to start.

"The one thing ive notice about this Arsenal team is the lack of passion they have. Sure when the team is winning there gunna give it their all, but when times get tough and you need that extra goal to win a game"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

Because England have never rolled over and played listlessly to defeat. NEVAR.

"Look what difference Tevez made for Man Utd last season when he got those late equalisers"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

That... that is just the footbullet to end all footbullets... Evidently MFG can't even hold his nationalistic train of thought together for more than a sentence. Carlos Tevez, that most famous son of Droylesden!

In all fairness though, he was probably distracted by a photo of Maggie Thatcher, and the subsequent fit of spirited, British passion he had all over his Union Jack boxers.

Ché's Spinning in His Grave

Well, some people are still overreacting to Fulham's victory, as is evidence by this thread calling for the heads of the Arsenal board. They shall soon be quaking in their boots before the wrath of an INTERNET PETITION, which in law holds a higher standing than a parliamentary bill.

"Online Petition: Sack the POWER DRUNK BOARD

I think it is time for us the fans sign a petiton to get the board sacked, they are the real problem, not Wenger. Sign here

we will send it the club headquaters."

- London's Nicest Gooner

Note, not the "board", not the "power drunk board", but the "POWER DRUNK BOARD". Because they are DRUNK. On POWER. In case you missed it. Also, despite this being an "online petition", nowhere does he provide a link. Unless he intends on sending Arsenal a 606 thread consisting mostly of people making fun of him, LNG really needs to re-think this one.

Then he was challenged on how the board would be sacked, replying:

"the same way a board can sack its members by forcing them out. e.g Dein"

- London's Nicest Gooner

So the board will see LNG's petition and then, wait for it, sack itself. Wow. Delusion doesn't even begin to cover it.

(This ignoring the fact that Dein was not sacked, rather he resigned from the board and then sold his shares in the club to Usmanov for a tidy profit.)

"If we all pull together it is possible."

- London's Nicest Gooner

John Lennon would be proud of you and Ar5enalwin (the realistic definition of "we all"). Since you both know everything about what's best for Arsenal, maybe Usmanov and Dein will make you directors.

"i said force their hands, not sack."

- London's Nicest Gooner

What was the thread title again...?

Usmanov's Second Chin Speaks

God, matchday is always a busy day. I mentioned earlier about the Arsenal board going ape over the defeat to Fulham, and, unsurprisingly, one individual has come in, cutting a swathe through all and sundry to redefine obsessive-compulsive idiocy on a pinnacle few men can ever hope to reach. Here is just a taster of the madness that is Ar5enalwin -make Arsenal a club players want to come to and stay at, even over 30's... (Yes, that's actually his username. Should give you an idea of what's to come.)

This first batch are taken from a thread of mine condemning the hysterical reaction to the defeat.

"But [before Wenger, Arsenal was a team] with Tony Adams and out greatest ever defense a team with BRITISH BULLDOG spirit."

- Ar5enalwin -make Arsenal a club players want to come to and stay at, even over 30's...

You know, I think it's a bit insulting to one of Arsenal's greatest ever players to suggest his technical ability as a defender was secondary to him being BRITISH AND SPIRITED. On Wenger, Adams himself praised Wenger's role in helping him overcome his battle with alcohol addiction. But no, for Ar5enalwin that was all before Wenger. Once he took over, the first thing he did was sell Adams, Bould, Keown, Winterburn and Dixon to Havant and Waterlooville for £2.47 and a cheese baguette.

"I for one would be glad for some sort of calamity this season if only to rid us off Hillwood Fiszman and the other dinosaurs."

- Ar5enalwin -there's actually meant to be a space after the hyphen but I didn't put one there because my IQ is in the 30's...

Some fan he is. He wants his own team to lose so he can get a greasy Russian with dirty money to come over, put us further in debt - and I gather debt is a particular favourite reason of his why we should get rid of the board, see his 46 (again, not a joke, he actually wrote that many, OCD anyone?) "Sack the Board" articles - and destroy our long term financial future?

"The leadership have no intension at all with winning silverware.

All they care about is making enough prize money to pay off the banks."

- Ar5enalwin -let's put Arsenal in so much debt to Usmanov's creditors they'll be paying it off until the 2530's...

Wait, what? They don't care about winning stuff, they just want to win stuff...? Is Ar5enalwin actually handicapped? Answers on the back of a postcard.

On a thread calling for the board to be eaten by Usmanov's rolls of neck fat.

"Fans like him [calling for Usmanov to buy the club] are to be welcomed because like wenger they care that we have lost."

- Ar5enalwin -the number of small boys I have attempted to molest is probably in the 30's...

Remember kids, if you don't call for a board takeover every time your team loses, you're not a real fan!

"The trouble is just as me and my colleague sat on our seast last saturday UNABLE to recongise a single WBA player on the pre match team sheet except scott carson (who we should have bought by the way), we expected to storm the game but ended up just scraping a win."

- Ar5enalwin -I have the intellect and debating ability of an eleven year old, despite the fact that I'm well past my 30's...

That's not an indication that West Brom were poor quality opposition. That's an indication that you're an ignorant, arrogant cock. You're the reason so many people hate top-four fans, because you look down your nose at them despite the fact that you know bugger all about them or their team.

And finally, this comment from an article bemoaning the absence of Alex Hleb - which is a stupid article anyway, when we've had 70% of the possession and no goals, the last thing we need is Dribbly McNoshoot to come back.

"That is because the average weight of an arsenal teenager is 9 stone and height 5ft6.

How do you expect such players to shove aside some fearsome defences?"

- Ar5enalwin -possessed of the same level of rationality and reason as the German government of the late 1930's...

I'm sorry, but that's retarded. They're teenagers. They grow and stuff. Also, how many teenagers have Arsenal fielded in the league this season so far? One. Walcott. So quoting his height and weight doesn't constitute the "average weight of an arsenal teenager", you pathetic kettle of lying protoplasm.

UPDATE: Got him bang to rights on his claim to be a season ticket holder. He's just another lying plastic. I've posted the below on 606 here - keep an eye on it, this could get tasty.

From this.

"Like you I have a seaason ticket and go to games."

- Ar5enalwin -only able to count up to the 30's..., ~9pm

But then this followed...

"The reason I did NOT go today was the £48 + booking fee RIP OFF they charge for a ticket...."

- Ar5enalwin -a lying waste of oxygen and bandwith. Also something about 30's..., 10.19pm

Oh snap!

Mystic Meg

13 league titles to 2 has sent me in an interesting attempt at predictive analysis from a Spurs fan. Basically, they are better than all the other not-top-four teams. I know Spurs seem to be getting a lot of stick on this, but the problem is that their section of WUMs and deluded fans (and every club has them) tend to be quite vocal, which firstly puts all their claims under more scrutiny, and secondly makes a lot of other fans dislike them in general. So I should say this is no way a reflection on the sensible majority of Spurs fans.

This guy, however...

"Is it quite satisfying to have a look at our potential rivals for 5th place at the moment?

They dont seem to be on level with us with their summer recruits."

- paxtonsteward

Because summer signings are all that matters. It's why Liverpool and Arsenal both won the league last year, didn't you know?

They're too long to post here, but check his predictions, especially on Newcastle, Porstmouth, City and Blackburn. Then look at their results so far and mock.

Oh, and as for Spurs being the best mid-table team? Did you know Sunderland had never won at White Hart Lane until the "Ramos Revolution" began? It's no good bragging about your amazing midfield if you can't sodding defend.

And it's no good making predictions if you haven't a sodding clue what you're talking about.

Gooners = South London Toffs

I thank Joao for both of these. I thank him less for sending me an email about hateglazer with the subject line "Ok, he's topped himself now", which gave me a few brief, glorious, but ultimately false few seconds of hope that he'd finally done the only respectable thing one as pathetic as him could do. Sadly this was not the case. The article is about how Arsenal are not from North London (oh noes! teh seekrit is out, guise!).

"I believe that the only North London club in the top flight will finish in the top 4 this year. That team is Tottenham Hotspur. Woolwich Arsenal will be 6th. Get back to me in May. Ta ra"

- hateglazer

I didn't think people could actually be genuinely, non-ironically racist against people from south of the Thames, but you live, you learn. To hateglazer, they are inferior troglodytes not worthy of kicking a football who should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for dirtying up his lovely Premier League. Hang your head in shame, Charlton Athletic. Even the Championship is too good for you.

Oh, and it's "ta-ta", not "ta ra". You're meant to be saying goodbye in a disparaging manner, not impersonating an extra from Mary Poppins.

Later in the thread, his credibility, intelligence and geographic location were called into question. He rose to the occasion magnificently, as you can see.

"I hate Arsenal I live in Manchester and your patently a toff. Where are you from JJ [JohnJensensGoal] still not told me"

- hateglazer

You know, for a man who is awfully pinickity about Arsenal's geographic location and history, it's a tad hypocritical to claim to live in Salford (as he has done many times before, to prove he's a "local" supporter) and Manchester. Or maybe he has two houses, the same way ex-WUM Anonymous000 had twenty-two season tickets.

Also, "toff", used as an insult? Fantastic. I can just see JJG walking around in a silk cravat, top hat and monocle saying "What what? Tally ho old bean!" as he sets his hounds upon hateglazer's quivering, gutter-bound form.

A Genuine "This Will be Our Year!"

Wow. Just... wow. Sometimes something comes along that is so incredibly wrong in every possible way that it's actually an achievement. I can't thank Matija enough, who not only found this epic screed, nominally about the Berbatov saga, by perennial WUM - for the benefit of the uninitiated, that is an acronym for wind-up merchant, which is basically 606-speak for "troll" - spurs_hart_lane, but presumably read the entire thing, which takes real perseverance. Because it is entirely tl;dr, below are just some choice quotes - and it's still a lot. This guy is gold.

"I don't know who United think they are, Spurs are getting bigger and will soon have a stadium to match Uniteds, as well as the global fan base."

- spurs_hart_lane

Who do they think they are? Only the most widely supported English club in the world. As for the stadium, it'll be 55,000 seats. Old Trafford has over 76,000. Evidently maths isn't among spurs_hart_lane's GCSE courses.

"United are just as bad as Real Madrid when trying to unsettle players."

- spurs_hart_lane

United may be many things, but nobody is as bad as Real. Alex Ferguson could eat babies and he'd still be better than Calderon and co.

"I just hope we will win the league to show you how much we are improving and how far we have come under Ramos."

- spurs_hart_lane

Keep wishing on that star, buddy.

"Looking at our unbelievable pre season form where we thrashed one of the best teams in Europe in Roma while playing some of the best attacking football that I have seen for some time."

- spurs_hart_lane

Did you thrash Roma? Did you thrash them 7-1? Oh no, wait. That was United. Nevermind. And if that was the best attacking football you've seen for some time, you haven't been watching Arsenal.

"Both Spurs and United will be challenging for the league title [...] we are your main rivals."

- spurs_hart_lane

What.

"[...] we have a better defence than you [United]."

- spurs_hart_lane

I can't even say anything. I can only laugh.

"Bent [...] is a scoring machine and worth every penny of his prices tag. He will score more goals that [sic] Rooney."

- spurs_hart_lane

Now, I don't like Rooney. I think he's violent, gobby and overrated. But that just takes the biscuit. Bent just ripped 'Boro to bits, didn't he?

"I believe last season we played better attacking football than you [United] but it was our defence that let us down."

- spurs_hart_lane

Yes, what a strikeforce you had! Shame one half's gone to Liverpool and the other's going to United. And your defense let you down? That's very true. That must also be why you haven't signed any defenders, then. Ramos = genius!

And wait, didn't you say your defense this season is better than United's? And now you're saying it cost you last season? Even though it's the exactly the same players? Oops.

"I can't wait till we start playing in the champions league, where we belong [...] We deserve to be playing in the champions league but I will be happy winning the UEFA cup this year."

- spurs_hart_lane

How can you "belong" in the Champions League, having never played there before? Neither philosophy nor English seem to have been on the ol' GCSE either. And good luck winning that UEFA cup. You know what they say about good luck coming in threes.

"We have a better team than Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool and just as good as United."

- spurs_hart_lane

Now, I don't want to hate Spurs fans, honestly. But this kind of drivel really makes me want to. You've even made me defend United. Honestly. Oh, and by the way, spurs_hart_lane, given that your article is 722 words long, yet has a reading age of around 12 (the internet is a wonderful resource), would it be safe to say that you are in no way familiar with the phrase "brevity is the soul of wit"?

Delusion Begins at the Top, it Seems

Not strictly 606, but this amusing attempt at fighting talk from Juande Ramos is a giggle. It's quite sad when you see this level of delusion hitting the top levels of a club.

"We are a big club. We can be compared with any of the top four clubs, including Manchester United."

- Juande Ramos

Ambition is one thing. Claiming to be as big as Manchester United is quite another. 13 league titles to 2, to whom I am very grateful for sending in the link, has the following to say on it.

"What on this earth can be more annoying than that guy from the Halifax ad and his terrible singing[?]

Spurs."

- 13 league titles to 2

I'm afraid to say, I have to agree - there are times when Spurs seem more interested in bluster than in football, and in fairness, you'd never have seen Martin Jol, who got Spurs closer to the top four than any manager of theirs has for a long time, coming out with those kind of nonsense claims.

I Never Said That

Taken from a thread by yours truly about Arsenal's surprise move for Silvestre.

"Silvestre's rubbish thanks for taking him off us. Better than Clichy I suppose."

- hateglazer, 9.10pm

"Clichy is one of the top 3 left backs in the premiership

Not as good as Evra though is he"

- hateglazer, 9.27pm

I'm sceptical about the signing, although it seems a lot of people disagree with me. But notice how I don't do an embarrassingly quick volte-face when I realise popular opinion is against me? Yeah, hateglazer hasn't learnt that trick yet. All he wants is to be popular, guys! What a plastic.

Work that Wand, Big Boy

"A one off today lads dont worry. there were signs of whats to come excellant link up between bent and berbatov unlucky not to score both of them.

We bossed the midfield and they got 2 lucky goals tbh.

COYS! heads up! ignore those muggy frenchies who play utter crud on their first game whilst we have the hardest or one of game of the season away at the boro.

We will finish 3rd, we have world class players, cmon Ramos! work that juande!"

- Uganda's Finest Spur

This is from a discussion on Spurs' defeat to Middlesbrough, and how they are going to break into the top four. I'm not even sure he was watching the game, but it's not so much the lack of coherence, glib racism or stonewall denial of reality that makes this post so great. It's the creepy phonetic innuendo of the last line.