It's all About Me, Me, Me

Thanks to 13 league titles to 2 for sending me in this one. At first it seems like a sensible Spurs fan accepting that a top four finish is not realistic this season. However, it's downhill all the way from there...

"As I lose hope in Spurs breaching the top 4 once again, I have begun thinking that there should be Champions League qualification places for the top 6 clubs in our league."

- Mortdog

Of course! Because UEFA's primary concern should be working on finding ways to get Spurs into the Champions League. Also, I'd bet any amount of money that if pigs flew and this happened, Spurs would finish 7th.

"Seeing Anorthosis Famagusta in this years group stage after we demolished them 6-1 at WHL last year has annoyed me that THFC can't perform on this stage."

- Mortdog

Dirty Cypriots! It's not like they qualified for it or anything. Olympiacos just rolled over and let them win, just to spite Spurs. Can't trust those Greeks. Eyes to close together and all. And Cyprus is basically Greece. Coincidence? I think not! You couldn't make it up!

"Together with English teams making up 3/4 of the CL semi-finalists last year, and our 5-0 mauling of Roma in pre-season, it is clear that a wider range of English teams can compete with Europe's best."

- Mortdog

So, let me get this straight. Other teams being good and the result of one pre-season friendly means Spurs are automatically good too? What?

Not Dead Yet

Apologies for the long delay - I've been away in England for family reasons for the last week, and have thus had no internet connection, since my laptop chose a highly inappropriate time to die. Normal service should resume Wednesday.

For Old Duffer, who asked about why I didn't link to the racism thread mentioned in the last post, that was at the time an oversight on my behalf, but I believe that the thread has now been hidden by the mods, probably because it descended into racist stupidity, and the posts in question have been deleted, so there's little point in linking to it at this juncture. Sorry about that!

WUM of the Month

Before we get into that though, a quick complaint - apparently on 606, the mods have a funny definition of "offensive". Posts of a racist nature were made in a thread and were not removed. However responses made by myself and others calling out the poster on his racism were deleted for "being of an offensive nature". Unbelievable.

Oh, and my profile has been moderated for no good reason. Bastards.

Thanks to ForEver_Banega_Toon for this idea. Who has been the biggest parasite to inflict themselves on 606 this month?

Without further ado, the August 2008, and indeed, inaugural WUM of the Month award goes to...

Well, there was never any contest, really, was there? Congratulations to hateglazer, you win the prize - the prize being eternal pity. Tell your mum, she'll be really proud.

Barton Fink

Ah, Bobby Heenan. One of 606's most frequently banned WUMs (yes, a WUM who actually gets banned, that's how bad he is) has returned under a new guise. The man renowned for his hatred of Pelé, Nelson Mandela, Thierry Henry, Thabo Mbeki, Emmanuel Eboué and Theo Walcott (notice a common theme there? If you said "they're all black", give yourself a gold star) just will not accept the fact that nobody likes him and he should just go home.

Lady luck smiles on me tonight, I caught this pathetic defense of Joey Barton about 45 seconds before the mods swooped and hid the article. Gotta love the rambling, stream of consciousness style and constant self-repetition.

"I saw absolutely nothing wrong with Bartons challenge on Nasri but Nasris trip on Barton was well worthy of atleast a yellow card."

- BobbyinWilmslow

You're right. It was worthy of more than a mere yellow card. It was worthy of a knighthood for "services to football".

"Joey Barton is a young man who has been to prison and unfortunately he has made mistakes."

- BobbyinWilmslow

"It was a mistake guv', honest. I just sort of slipped and hit the lad in the eye with my cigar. The only reason I ground it in there until it was no longer lit was because I thought I saw a fly in there and just wanted to get it out."

"Arsenal fans getting on the back of Joey Barton should take a look at one of their very own. [...] What about Emmanuel Eboue? Emmanuel Eboue severely injured John Terry with a very thuggish violent challenge last season"

- BobbyinWilmslow

Firstly, Terry had just tried to drop-kick Fabregas as he lay on the ground. Secondly, John Terry broke his foot when he kicked Eboué's boot instead of the ball, proving once and for all that he's a spaz who can't tackle properly (or even foul properly for that matter).

But wait, maybe it wasn't a shocking foul on Cesc...

"Actually the challenge on Fabregas was a very good chalenge and John Terry clearly won the ball. It was a very strong and ferocious challenge but the ball was there to be won. I was astounded when John Terry recieved a yellow card as I thought that Fabregas should have recieved a yellow card atleast for raising his hands to the England captain John Terry in the aftermath."

- BobbyinWilmslow

This is true, if by "won the ball" you mean "kicked him", and by "there to be won" you mean "nowhere near him". Also I like the idea that referees should give extra protection to the England captain, as he is above and beyond petty things like consistency in the enforcement of rules.

"What legacy did Thierry "goes totally missing in the big games, never tracks back and very arrogant aloof" Henry leave behind?"

- BobbyinWilmslow

And once again we're back to the same old targets. Let me put it this way. Henry's legacy is not one of assaulting teenagers, putting cigars in trainees' eyes, getting in drunken brawls, getting permanently banned from McDonalds, beating up team-mates, trying to injure people on the football pitch and being defended by Bobby Heenan. Therefore, I say it's a fairly decent one.

Hate "Leonard Cohen" glazer

Sorry for the recent drop in content, both in terms of volume and quality. The first is due to a drop-off in submissions, largely due to the actions of the mods, and the humourless Chelsea fans reporting me to them. The second is due to real life, that most irritating of things, catching up with me with increasing frequency these days.

But that's enough excuse making, and actions speak louder than words. So without further ado, let us plunge once more into the tortured psyche of hateglazer. This was from a thread about Chelsea and trade-offs for success.

"An ode to Chelsea:

The fake plastic football team
With fake plastic football players
With their fake plastic success
It wears me out,
It wears me out,
It wears me out.

They look like the real thing,
They taste like the real thing,
This fake plastic club

With no history,
And no tradition,
Jose Mourinho weren't no magician,
He was a fake plastic manager.

And they want to be
Like United
And they wanna be
Like United
All the time"

- hateglazer

Oh the wit! See how it burns! Feel the power of his originality - nobody has ever either called Chelsea plastic, nor have they ever used the power of song to taunt them! Nor have Manchester United ever had a plastic fan - no child from Surrey or Essex would be seen dead in a United shirt, that's for sure. And pray tell, what is a "fake plastic"? Is that a real fan pretending to be a glory-hunter for the laugh? Or did Mourinho actually pretend to be made of polystyrene?

The fact that he could only think of one rhyme makes it look all the more plaintive, as if he suddenly remembered what he read about poems in kindergarten and thought he should throw one lonely one in, just to make sure it qualified as a poem, in case the poetry police came for him or something.

Incidentally, I wonder if hateglazer is related to this guy?

The Universal Constant

It's nice to know that jingoism is not yet dead. English players are always more spirited, passionate and determined than all those Johnny Foreigners, at least according to this charmlessly idiotic and assertion-ridden thread.

"English + Experince = SUCCESS"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

It's true, there aren't enough experinced players at Arsenal. Or in the league at all. I don't think anyone counts as "experinced". When that's the title of the article, it's not a good start. If you're going to be so proud of being English, I reckon the language is as good a place as any to start.

"The one thing ive notice about this Arsenal team is the lack of passion they have. Sure when the team is winning there gunna give it their all, but when times get tough and you need that extra goal to win a game"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

Because England have never rolled over and played listlessly to defeat. NEVAR.

"Look what difference Tevez made for Man Utd last season when he got those late equalisers"

- Morocco's_finest_gooner

That... that is just the footbullet to end all footbullets... Evidently MFG can't even hold his nationalistic train of thought together for more than a sentence. Carlos Tevez, that most famous son of Droylesden!

In all fairness though, he was probably distracted by a photo of Maggie Thatcher, and the subsequent fit of spirited, British passion he had all over his Union Jack boxers.

Ché's Spinning in His Grave

Well, some people are still overreacting to Fulham's victory, as is evidence by this thread calling for the heads of the Arsenal board. They shall soon be quaking in their boots before the wrath of an INTERNET PETITION, which in law holds a higher standing than a parliamentary bill.

"Online Petition: Sack the POWER DRUNK BOARD

I think it is time for us the fans sign a petiton to get the board sacked, they are the real problem, not Wenger. Sign here

we will send it the club headquaters."

- London's Nicest Gooner

Note, not the "board", not the "power drunk board", but the "POWER DRUNK BOARD". Because they are DRUNK. On POWER. In case you missed it. Also, despite this being an "online petition", nowhere does he provide a link. Unless he intends on sending Arsenal a 606 thread consisting mostly of people making fun of him, LNG really needs to re-think this one.

Then he was challenged on how the board would be sacked, replying:

"the same way a board can sack its members by forcing them out. e.g Dein"

- London's Nicest Gooner

So the board will see LNG's petition and then, wait for it, sack itself. Wow. Delusion doesn't even begin to cover it.

(This ignoring the fact that Dein was not sacked, rather he resigned from the board and then sold his shares in the club to Usmanov for a tidy profit.)

"If we all pull together it is possible."

- London's Nicest Gooner

John Lennon would be proud of you and Ar5enalwin (the realistic definition of "we all"). Since you both know everything about what's best for Arsenal, maybe Usmanov and Dein will make you directors.

"i said force their hands, not sack."

- London's Nicest Gooner

What was the thread title again...?